Ch 9 Where I stand now

It has been over a year since my best friend was murdered. At first I did not feel the pain. But now I am 21, and find myself thinking about the murder more than often. This year at Beloit has been very interesting. I am in a class now where we have been reading an essay that discusses living in a lie versus living in the truth. I have now began to question whether I have been living in a lie or truth. My friend's murder has been on my mind for over a year now and I feel like I am wasting my time here. Individuals spend or are funded up to 165,000 dollars to attend this shit hole. If we were to spend that exact same amount of money on ourselves in promoting self-interest I believe we would all be better off. We seem to be brainwashed that this shit is promised and all sweet for us. But in fact it is not, look at all of the students who graduate and are fucking jobless. I doubt the college gives two shits if they are because they already have their money. And yes I also think the college or people would believe it is their own fault. But while that might be true we seem to forget that this place offers degrees in fields that will result in your ass right back on ya momma's couch.

As a student here I study economics, which at times can be total bullshit. We play with numbers until the shit looks the way we want it. We hypothesize on shit we know we will get right. The framework of our department  is free market capitalist aka fuck the poor and praise the rich.

When I lost my friend my life turned upside down. I became more alone but at the same time began to think more about everything in life and realize how much of a lie I am in. I feel sometimes that my friend left this world early because he saw the lie a long time ago.

The problem I see with life is that there is no real way around the lie in which we live in. The only truth I feel that I am living in is the free will that I exert in my personal free time. But when I interact with people I feel like the lie is in place and cannot be avoided.

The story ends here as I find it impossible to stop talking about all the bullshit that is forced into our lives as Americans. I hope others take the time out for themselves to see if they are living in a lie.

Ch 8 The Murder

Its my sophomore year. Things are good and life is fast. I am now at a point in my life where I overcame a huge obstacle. Staying in school. College isnt too bad after all. You just have to get up for class and attend. The workload isnt too stressful and I have gotten used to the campus. Some mornings I find it hard to get up because of the ambiguous weather. My sleep schedule is shitty due to class papers that take forever and a day to complete. For the most part this institution is an ok fit because I have a good circle of friends and have recently joined a frat (TKE) which has welcomed my character and benefits me as a young man.

That was my view at the beginning of a new semester. I figured the year would run smoothly. I had no worries.

As the school year went on it got closer and closer to thanksgiving break. Fall break wasnt important enough to take a trip home. This thanksgiving was going to be pretty special. I had not seen my family in almost a year and my friends over two years. My best friend Jonathan White was also going to be home during this visit because he was just released about a month ago from drug charges he faced over a year ago.

Last thanksgiving I spent my break in New Orleans with my father and the rest of my southern relatives.

Family time only began to become more important as I grew older and understood how much people meant to me because of their involvement in my life.

Once I arrived home I called John and we hung out that night like the good ole days. He was jus as excited to see me as I was to see him. It had been almost two years. John was like a little brother to me. Although he did not always take my advice we tended to have very deep conversations about our views on the world and how we saw our futures.

We chilled all night smoking and drinking. Back in high school he smoked but I didn't because of sports. I could not understand why he did so in high school, I was so against the idea of gettin' high. But began to smoke because it brought us closer together. It felt as if I could keep him out of trouble if I smoked with him. The night went on, as we chilled in his impala the car became hazy as we hot boxed the shit out of the car. Once we got the munchies we hit up the closest gas station and McDonald's. I was high as shit but at the same time very happy to be home away from Beloit.

After we grabbed food we came back to his house and sat in the car parked in the driveway. Still high, we began to talk about life. John mentioned to me how he wanted to get back in school and get his shit together.   I was surprised to hear this coming from him because for a minute I swore he was trapped in his ways and soon would be in an amount of trouble of which I could not save him. He continued the conversation by telling me what he really wanted to do with his life and discussed having a son. As young men growing up we all wanted a Jr who we could raise and make sure we never left him and not be a dead beat father. Just hearing all of this from John was heart warming. I felt like I had gotten through to him to let him know he did not have to continue trying to live a hood life.

As John wrapped up his end of the conversation he stepped out the car and went into the house for about five minutes. When he came back to the car he stared straight out the windshield, paused with a slight look of nervousness on his face. He turned to me and asked "Do you know how to clean bullets?" I was shocked and answered "Um, no but I am sure there is a way you can do it." I had no fucking idea why he needed to clean bullets but from that moment I knew John was in some shit. John reached into the bag he brought back to the car and pulled out a black 9mm and the clip with about 8 bullets. He explained to me that he was about to rob somebody and it would be a quick job. I didn't think this was a great idea but as a friend I only replied "OK." Inside I felt really scared because I knew he may ask me to come along. He put the gun and clip back into the bag and we continued to smoke. After we finished the dubey we went to pick up another old friend Tin (Torin) from the North side. Tin was younger than both of us but had the heart of a grown ass man and thats why we had no problem having him around us. At this point I felt like I was home for good. I was with my favorite niggas and we were just enjoying life talking about our future. After another hour or two of smoking, John dropped me off at my house and told me they would come over tomorrow because they knew my mom was gonna tear the kitchen up for thanksgiving.

The next morning came fast as I woke up I saw John and Tin already sittin' on my couch watching TV. They began laughing soon as I woke up because last night I mentioned going to the mall and realized the mall was closed on Thanksgiving. We just chilled all day as if we were resuming the previous night. My mom was happy to see John as well. Back in high school John fucked his arm up and my mom would call him crippled so that became the nickname my mom would use to get his attention. She knew what trouble John had been in and so did his mom so they would both come to me and ask me to make sure I talked to him to get his life back straight.

Once my mom brought the food in the living and dining room we tore that shit up immediately. I was surrounded by the people I love and the people who love me. There couldn't be a better feeling.

Friday was just a chill day. All we really did was hit the malls and played ball like back in high school.

Saturday came around and we all knew that was the day we were all going to hit the town. As the day went on I gave John a call. He told me he had some things to take care of and would be over later. I was fine with that because I knew that was how John was, busy during the day and party at night. The day had passed and it was now about nine at night. I gave him another call and he said he would be on his way in about thirty minutes. I just continued to get ready with my brother and other friends who were all at my house. About two hours had passed and I gave his line another ring. This time he did not answer. I figured he was either busy or not by his phone. He was known to have a dead phone at all times. So with that in mind we all figured he didn't want to go out so we just hopped in our cars and headed out for the night without him.

Thanksgiving break came to an end as Sunday morning approached. My Uncle was on his way to my house to give me a ride back to school. I had got bad news that my grandfather had passed away on thanksgiving in front of his house, he was 85. He had played a critical role in my childhood and helped me become the man I am today. It was a sad loss but I knew I had to move on. I figured I could not get any more bad news since I was leaving town. We were about an hour outside of St. Louis on the way back to Beloit and I got a call from my mother. She asked me if I had talked to John's mom. Usually when she called me and asked me that exact same question it was because he didn't come home and they figured I knew where he was. This time the phone call was for a different reason. My mother explained to me that John had been murdered  Saturday night about thirty minutes after I got off the phone with him. "He was shot in his head, to death." Those were the next words out of my mom's mouth as I dropped my phone not knowing what to do next. I was so shocked I couldn't even cry or speak. I just picked up the phone and replied "I'll talk to you later."

Just within a weekend I had lost a great friend to the end of a barrel and a male role model.

Ch 7 Why am I here

August came soon after high school graduation. I had chose Beloit College because I knew academically that it is a strong institution and I they basically awarded me a full ride to attend. Also because I wanted to try something different than what I grew up in which was attending predominantly African-American public schools. When I arrived to Beloit I was definitely in for a surprise. I had never been at an institution and saw so many awkward white people. Students dressed funny and did not wear shoes. I honestly believed I had lost my mind for coming here. I soon learned the types of backgrounds that these students came from and began to accept the fact that they were doing their own thing. But I asked myself often if this was the type of change I had in mind.

I had never been to a place like Beloit in my life. I was from a big city and Beloit was definitely a ghost town. I had no way to get around the town and didn't know if there was public transportation nor how much it cost. This made me terribly uncomfortable. I felt lost and feared I would have a hard time transferring.

What changed my mind and convinced me to stay were a few things. First was TRiO week in which I met Ray and Gentry, two of my best friends. Ray showed me that there was at least one other black freshmen here with me. Gentry showed me that it even that I was a minority, college was not that hard. Third was my principles of economics class with Joshua Hall. He used a great strategy of teaching to get me to come to class. He simply knew a lot about rap music and had the ability to converse about the music. This provided me interest in economics once I realized that there was underlined economics in music especially rap.

Freshmen year wasn't that bad at all. It flew by and my grades were great. I felt like it was a piece of cake. I had great support from individuals who were at Beloit and knew I had support from my friends back at home.
But soon the support from home which was the most important support began to subtract bit by bit.

Ch 6 Everything Comes To An End

As mentioned in the previous chapter I had to put the lifestyle as a party thrower behind me. Once I finally put the partying to an end I was able to get my grades up even higher. I finished my senior year with a 4.0 and was accepted into many colleges.

Although the party scene was over for me, my friends continued to pursue it for themselves because they depended too much on the money it brought in. I on the other hand found other ways to make money by working at the flea market and doing construction.

I still had my friends but the group was no longer as tight. Money tore the group apart because people were no longer making equal amounts. The result was that the group split into sub groups in which each sub group grew large and then began to throw parties. In my opinion it really got out of hand. This transition caused a great deal of conflict. Multiple parties were being thrown all in the same night but by different groups. Sometimes the parties were even called by the same name. The consequence of this resulted in parties that got robbed, shut down, shot up, and even chaotic to the point where they made it on breaking news.

I was no longer part of any one group but I still attended the ones where the most of my close friends would be at. I began to hang out more with my friend John White as we did our own thing and found our own hustle. John had dropped out the group during the time we were throwing parties because he found interest in selling drugs since it brought in fast money and required less work compared to throwing parties. I figured since he was so young it would be kind of hard for him to get caught because he would only be a foot soldier. Which means he would be at the edge of the drug dealing family tree. He would receive his supply through someone who received from someone else like a pyramid structure with some "connect" that supplied them all.

I didn't interfere with his decision because I didn't want to tell another man how to live his life. As we began to hang out more and more we became best friends. He was like another little brother to me. I made sure he got to school when he was in school. I made sure he ate when he had no way to. I let him sleep at my house when he got into with his mother and got kicked out. We played ball almost every other day together to hang out after school. I always brought him to the club with me although he was always too young. We lived two different lives but I was the only positive role model in his life when it came to education. Some nights when there wasn't much going on we would sit down and talk about the future. We talked about having sons and how we would raise them differently then the life we had to suffer. We even talked about our careers and what we would like to study in college.

I was admitted to Beloit College and would begin in the fall of 09'. John had dropped out of high school to get his GED instead. I didn't know if John would consider going to college because shortly after dropping out of high school he was arrested because he was caught selling drugs.

 In the next chapter I will discuss my experience as a student at Beloit College.

Ch 5 Caught Up

After throwing so many parties, this once thought as a "hustle" plan became a job. As I mentioned before I became more focused on throwing parties then really being at school. Surprisingly my grades did not change a bit though. I would now go to any means to throw at least two parties every month. This may not sound like much of a big deal but it used up most of my entire two last years of high school and prevented me from getting much sleep.

The one perk I guess that came from this new found hustle turned job was the female attention it brought with it. I never had a problem socializing with women but at this point in my life I became pretty involved with them. After most parties we would all go out to iHOP and just order a big ass meal and nice tip and then the gang and I would get these really plush hotels at the casino and the rest of the night only became history and routine.

I would have never thought this type of work would change my life so drastically but in such short time. Soon I began to feel as if I was 21 but in high school. I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do and was making the cash to go anywhere I wanted and to do anything I wanted. I have to admit, the lifestyle became addictive.

So as I became more "mature" I got involved with a different crowd of women. Those who were mature enough to not think twice about having a kid. I met this female whose name I won't mention (because it will just bring back many other stressful memories) in an area called the "loop." The loop was just a hang out strip for teens and young adult couples or singles to come down for a drink, ice cream, food or just sit out and have a good time socializing. We typically chilled in the loop on Fridays and Saturdays before we headed out to setup for our party.

Well one particular night when I met the devilish woman we first acknowledged the fact we attended the same school. Next she brought up the topic of me throwing parties. She was curious to find out what it was like to hang out with a guy like me who was making the type of money that came with the lifestyle I was living. I always figured that was one of the main reasons I received the level of attention I did. I didn't pay her much attention at first because I my only worry was making sure my party later that night would run smoothly.

Later that night after the party, a few guys and I went to East St. Louis where the clubs would remain open to six in the morning. Although this was not the safest place to be we were ignorant enough to go anyway. When we arrived at the club it was packed to the wall because an artist was going to perform that night. In fact I can still remember the artist, Trai'D. He had a song out called "gutta chick." Now back in high school well at least the high school I went to believed the ideology that all the guys wanted a gutta chick.  In other words, they wanted a female partner who would do anything for their man whether it was to help him financially, fight for him. This type of girl was also referred to as a "ride or die." As the night went by the club got hotter and hotter as it became close to the performance time for the artist. By that time the woman from the loop had arrived to the club with a group of her female friends. Stupidly I did not resist temptation and when the artist went up to perform I shortly found myself dancing with her.

The following week we began to see each other more and more often at school then we hung out outside of school on a weekend shortly after a few weeks. It didn't take much time until we were having sex on a regular basis. We began to do it unprotected because she told me she was on birth control. Unfortunately the crazy bitch was apparently lying.

It wasn't until a few months later after we had fell off that she told me she was pregnant. Once I heard the news I did not know what to do. I thought my life and education was all about to go down the drain. I immediately called my father to explain the situation. Surprisingly he was not upset but did expect me to step up and take responsibility. Being responsible wasn't the hard part though. Everyday at school she would taunt me about the situation basically telling the whole school that I had got her pregnant. For a short period of time I was embarrassed because I was one of the last people students thought who would get a female pregnant in high school. What made it worse is that she would threaten me by saying she would bust my car windows and slash my tires if I didn't do what she asked of me. I couldn't take the bullshit so I explained to her honestly why I felt like I was not able to be a father at the time. She didn't want to hear anything like that so she easily got even angrier and would come up to my part time job at Subway to cause trouble.

After a few weeks of the torture I received from the woman she contacted me and told me that she had got an abortion. I didn't know if I was supposed to be happy or guilty. I was happy knowing I didn't have to have a child with a woman like her but guilty for being part of the denial of life. Being so young at the time I could only move forward and try not to think so hard about it.

That incident was the one of the main factors that convinced me I had to give up the lifestyle I was living and focus more on my education.

Chapter 4 Rethinking The Plan

After the first party we threw on our own we derived some pretty good lessons. We learned immediately that it would take much more work and more planning to successfully gain a good amount of profits from our scheme.  Its funny now because when I look back I recognize how much of a scheme we were pulling but at the time it happened we only saw it as "work." To develop the next party, we needed to find another rental space, so we skipped the next day of school to drive around and meet up with several owners who we figured would give us the space relatively cheap as long as we made the purpose seem legit. Our reasoning for renting the space was always the same, "We are throwing a big birthday party!" Surprisingly, it worked and we acquired the space and every space from then on.

Once the space was signed for and ready to go. we had to get the word out. We did so by making flyers to pass out at every single high school. None of the original group members had any skills in graphic design so that's when DB joined the team. DB's real name is Tony. He was a senior at my high school and we called him DB because it stood for dancing boy. Gosh that was a lame name, but it played the part! He would always be the one leading all the new dances in the club, a site to see. DB really never had shit to do so he practiced with a few illustrating programs and eventually got some skills to design our flyers for the parties. He typically took about two hours to complete the design and have it ready to be printed and uploaded to the internet.

Facebook at the time was a piece of shit so there were many social networks we had to use to get the word out and reach as many kids as possible. When the flyers were printed up (about 5000) we split them into bundles to deliver to two students we convinced at each high school to pass them out to the "coolest" kids. They had no problem with doing so as long as they got in free. This was costly for us because we had to make sure that the number of free entries didn't effect the amount of profit to the point where we weren't making our reserved revenue. So to regulate the foot soldiers we employed they were constrained to make it to our party by a certain time or the deal would be off. They didn't have much trouble being late. Not even less then a semester had went by and I could already see how well we do at this(party throwing) as long as we played it smart.

The second party was a bigger success. We found a location right up the street from my house that used to be an old funeral home that got turned into a banquet hall. The name of the place was the "Touch of Elegance" aka The TOE! That night was absolutely crazy, it felt like I could see my dreams unfolding right before me. We had came up with a scheme that was perfect! Tons of sweaty people standing in box listening to music and paying to do so. After the night was over we had made about $3000. My cut was 700. In less than 4 hours I had made enough money to buy chocolate milk for my entire graduating class.

The next morning Lucky and I acted a straight fool in the mall. We literally bought everything we wanted just because we had the money to do so. I felt somewhat like a celebrity but at the same time, a criminal.

Chapter 3 Birth of A Gang

John and I were two young men who wanted to be somebody when we grew up. We never really sat around and thought about reality like taxes and getting a job or being parents. We only thought about making it big and being rich because that's all we grew up around. The majority of our older friends were all driving flashy cars and rocking nice clothes. They all were in some form of business whether it was legal or illegal. All John and I wanted was a piece of that life.

Besides John, there were a few other members of our "gang." Lucky, a 350 pound 6ft 5 monster. Cj, who was too full of himself and owned a basement studio. Kirby, who always had good ideas and never put them to use.  Torin who literally resembled a pitbull. Doug, who was an ex-marine. And lastly, Billy who is my cousin by blood but brother at heart.

We all formed a group called STE. This stood for Street Team Entertainment. Looking back at it now it is the funniest shit of my life but also the most dangerous in some aspects. We began our take over by meeting another guy named Lucky but he was much older, probably in his early 30's. Once we met the other lucky we got our first task as a promotion team, passing out flyers. At first, we thought it was a joke but it wasn't. Our job was to pass out pieces of paper to over 20 high schools. We had approximately two weeks to do so and our incentive was free admission to the party. I guess at the age of adolescence you will do anything it takes to get in "free."

Although the little tasks we were doing seemed pointless it all made perfect sense and benefited us in the long run. The tasks we performed basically showed us the structure of the game and how to enter in the market of high school parties. With nothing but money on our mind, we were determined and hungry to make a killing.

The business model was perfect: Rent some empty space for a few hundred dollars with a capacity of 400 plus individuals and charge ten dollars a head up to a certain time then raise the price. The only challenge we faced to enter the market was the publicity, nobody knew who the fuck we were.

After performing the small tasks to get into parties for free for about three months we figured it was time to give ourselves a promotion. As a group, we decided the only way for us to make some real money is to take over the entire market. We needed to plan this out since it would take a great deal of time.

We scheduled a meeting at a nearby IMO'S Pizza to put our plan into action. Typically our meetings were always held at food joints as an incentive for members to show up and show up on time. During our first meeting is when we thought of our name and planned our first party. Going into this we thought it would be a piece of cake but soon found out it took up mostly all of our time.

The first party was at an old rec center but since we didn't have enough money up front we had to host the party with another group. Profit after the party was very small, we thought we had failed. But actually we won, that party was the foundation of our success. Hundreds of people were in attendance but the revenue was depleted after paying security guards, the other group and rental fees.

We had to go back to the drawing board.

Chapter 2 Jr

My name is Jr. I attend Beloit College in WI. I am currently a junior economics major interested in helping young men like myself escape the troubles of coming from a bad background. Typically the first impression people get when they see me is that I am a black male. This is wrong, really I am mixed with Filipino and African American. Those who have had past experiences with me may think I am an excelling student that has great potential in the field of economics. While this may be true my success truly comes from a great deal of motivation. During my sophomore year I lost a good friend of mines. His name was Jonathan White. He was finally putting his life back together and telling me how much he wanted to get on the right track. John and I were friends since I was a freshmen in high school. We played basketball together on the same AAU team and spent all of our weekends partying at clubs even though we were under age. When John was murdered it hit me like nothing else before. I was left empty. From that point on I knew that every time that I returned home that I would always drive past his house knowing he was gone forever.

Chapter 1 John White

My name is Jonathan White. I died at the age of 18 and just had got out of jail for being caught selling marijuana. I had a good friend name Jr. We went way back, we had been friends since I was a freshmen in high school. Early in my sophomore year I felt like school just wasn't the place for me. I wasn't excelling in my classes and all my friends were getting on to bigger things. I attended a predominantly African American school in St. Louis, MO. I had dreams of being a basketball player but I lost hope when my older brother got sentenced to prison for 6 years. He was an all star athlete in high school and I wanted to be just like him. Once he was sent to prison I didn't really know what to do. All I had were my friends. Jr, was always there for me no matter what. We used to throw these parties at these old dance halls that hadn't been used in some time. We figured it would be a quick way to make some money and also wanted to get in the promoting business. This worked for some time and we made a fuck ton. It was hilarious because we used to be at school with rolls of 20s and 50s. Girls were coming in by the dozen. But Jr kept his cool and stayed focus on the goal, making money. I on the other hand, messed around and had a ton a fun. I guessed it was worth it. We continued the party scheme up until the end of Jr's junior year because he wanted to drop the whole thing because there were so many people after us and he wanted pursue his education at the post secondary level. I never forgot Jr and I hope he never forgot me. This year is 2008.